Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	my chemical romance - join the black parade (heh, emo)

Newsflash: Myspace causes ANGST!

I did something very silly this evening. I happened to notice that someone from my old school had someone from my primary school on her friends list - and that that person was a member of a group that was for alumni of my primary school - and so i went and started nosing around the profiles of all these people I vaguely remember from my primary school.

God i wish I hadn't - the girl who used to bully me is still popular and pretty. The geek who I used to feel able to relate to has a huge friends list and, judging by the comments on his profile, an active social life. Basically, everyone seemed to be doing 'better' than me.

Now, before you say it, I know, I know, myspace is just a stupid place where people place way too much importance on how big they can get their friends lists and how many comments they can get, etc, etc. Logically, I know all this. And yet I can't help feeling that I don't really have that many friends, I'm not that popular and I never will be.

For example, I've said my flatmates are all really nice, and they are. But I don't fit in. At all. They don't deliberately shut me out by any means, but it's pretty obvious they all enjoy each other's company alot more than they enjoy mine. I have been making an effort - I'll go sit in the main room and talk to them all and stuff, but i always feel awkward and out of place and don't have anything to say. And so the problem just escalates, until I feel like they're all a little clique that I'm not a part of. It wouldn't bother me so much if i hadn't been trying,but i really have. It just feels like nothing I do gets through - maybe I'm just not the sort of person people like to be friends with?

It's the same on my course. There's a couple of people I speak to, there's one girl I spend alot of time with, but if i come into a lecture late or something, I can never manage to get into any kind of conversation even of the most banal kind with any of the people I sit near - I mean, that sounds stupid because obviously a lecture isn't the best friend-making opportunity, but there are times, say, when we're given a break in the middle or something, when I should be able to at least get into a conv about the work or something which would help me get to know people, but for some reason I just can't. And I don't know why. And it's incredibly frustrating.

Keaney said it was because i have low self-confidence, which i admit seems to make sense. I do get quite shy and worry like hell what new people will think about me, and as a result find it very difficult to initiate conversation. Likewise, i get the feeling some people might mistake this shyness for me not actually wanting to talk to them - so it becomes a vicious cycle. Maybe. I'm honestly not sure.

It just feels like, I find it so hard to make friends with new people, and when I do manage it, it feels like they don't want to speak to me. I even get that feeling from a lot of the people I'm already friends with, Basically it sucks, and it's depressing me, and i don't think i can stand three more years of feeling like this.